An Emmett Christmas Special Oneshot
by salacious-smiles
Summary: Emmett' and 'Christmas': two words that should NEVER be put in the same sentence. Set post-Eclipse.


**Updated May 27, 2009**

**Betad by Project Team Beta.**

**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.**  
**

* * *

Bella's POV

I was awoken from my sleep by the sound of a loud, consistent thudding coming from above. In my dreary state I thought nothing of it, assuming it was just Emmett and Rosalie _again_. "_Seriously, those guys are like rabbits."_ Instead I just snuggled myself closer to Edward's cool body - my sanctuary, if you may.

I was spending Christmas with Edward and his family, due to a load of shameless begging on Alice's part. Another reason I was not worried about the banging - I had a houseful of vampires to protect me; "My vampire minions." Though I didn't like the idea of them risking their necks for my safety, I had to admit, I liked the sound of that.

The banging seemed to continue and be moving across the roof. "_Strange, it usually would've stopped by now."_

"Edward?" I murmured into his chest.

"Yes, Bella?" he whispered back. I could feel his cool breath blow over the top of my head, sending shivers down my spine.

"Can you go throw Rose and Emmett out a window or something?" I asked, but he didn't move.

"Edward?" I asked again, raising my head from his chest slightly.

"I don't think it's them." "_Huh, funny_," I thought, though my drowsy mind didn't really register it.

"Alice and Jasper?" They were the second most 'active' couple in the household.

After a moment's pause to check their minds he answered me again. "No, not them, either."

"Your parents?!" I asked exasperated, sitting straight up in bed. Usually, at least, _they_ were a little more discreet in their love making. He chuckled at my tone before pausing again.

"No, not them." His tone was confused.

"What's wrong?" I asked, despite my previous joking, worry leaking into my voice.

"Well, whoever it is... is singing _Jingle Bell Rock_ so loudly inside their head that I can't hear anything."

"Anything?"

"Anything." That was weird. Usually Edward could get a hold of _something_, even just a name.

"Stay here," he said, moving underneath me in an attempt to go discover what was making the noise, which was still moving in the continuous circuit it had begun. "_It can't be Santa,_" I thought, a part of my childhood seeping into my eighteen-year-old, or rather forty-five (according to my mother) year-old brain. I clung on tighter to his shirt as he began to stand.

"Bella..." he chided, looking down at me. Only his silhouette was visible in the moonlight.

"Hey, I'm up now," I said standing with him.

"Always so stubborn..." I heard him mutter to himself.

"I am not!" I exclaimed, slapping at his shoulder to mark my point, not that it would hurt him in the slightest, but it was the thought that counts. He gave me a look which said, 'we both know you're lying, Bella,' and took my hand in his, but, instead of taking hold of it and pulling me out of the door, he grabbed underneath my knee of the leg on the opposite side of my body as my hand, and swung me onto his back.

I kissed the bone at the back of his neck before resting my chin on his shoulder and whispering in his ear, "Let's go." We left the room at a fast human pace which made me wonder why he had slung me over his back, but my mind quickly caught up and realized that it was most likely for my protection.

_"So he thought this could be a threat then?"_ I gulped audibly.

As we reached the bottom of the stairs, I could see most of my family clustered beside the old unused fireplace, the single remaining piece from the old foundations of the house. Esme hadn't had the heart to abolish it.

"So what's happening?" I asked groggily.

"From what we can tell... The noise is coming from somewhere up there," Carlisle explained, pointing toward the top of the chimney. At that exact moment we heard another crash, though this one was louder than the rest and more frightening. It sounded like the roof was being torn apart. I flinched, tightening my legs around Edward's waist. My arms gripped around his neck so tightly that it would probably choke a human.

I braced myself.

Emmett's POV

_"Oh shit I'm stuck,"_ I thought as I remained lodged between the surrounding bricks of the top of Esme's chimney. "_Huh, in the movies they make this look so easy."_

I looked up at an impatient Alice; the only one who was fit for the job as my chief elf. She did not look pleased to say the least. A scowl was prominent on her face and her tiny pixie arms were crossed over her chest.

She was still pissed off at me for making her wear her elf uniform. She gave me a look which clearly said, 'I told you so.'

"_I swear I will never bet against __Alice__ again,"_ I prayed looking upward into the starless sky. She had said clearly, "Emmett, you're going to get stuck in that chimney." But, like the courageous vampire I am, I decided to take her up on it. Ten dollars; not too much.

"Alice, are you gonna help me get out of here or not?" I asked as I made it apparent that I would not be able to get out of the chimney without doing extensive damage to Esme's brickwork. I crossed my arms in frustration.

She paused for a moment, raising one arm to tap the end of her dimpled chin. "Uhh... no, Emmett, I don't think I will," she said, smiling that evil smile of hers - a smile that usually went alongside Bella and a vanity table full of makeup - as she observed my trapped form.

"Well, will you at least push me a little so I can continue my journey of goodness?"

She thought again, her face going blank like it does when she's looking forward into the future. Something made her decision for her, and the smile returned to her face, frightening me a little as she stepped toward me, reaching her arms out in an act to push me.

"Fab!" I said. _"I can honestly say I do not know where that came from."_

"_WHO_ says, fab, Emmett?" Alice demanded, mocking me from her place beside me, her hands on her hips, shaking her head pitifully as she stared at my dislodged form.

"I do," I answered defensively. "Now push!" I yelled at my chief elf. She sighed and stepped towards me. She put her hands over my shoulders and pushed down, as I heard a not-so-promising sound coming from the structure beneath me. On the upside, getting down the chimney was no longer a problem. There just might be an incy-wincy hole in Esme's roof. "_Ahh well... she'll live_," was my last thought before I landed on my butt in the fireplace bellow.

I looked around at the stunned faces of my family, most of them displaying expressions of shock, and in Bella's case, horror.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, VAMPIRES OF FORKS!" I said in my 'Santa voice,' as I readjusted my white beard around my chin and stood up, holding my arms out wide.

"Emmett, get the hell out of my fireplace!" squealed a not-so-happy Esme.

"I HOPE YOU'VE ALL BEEN GREAT VAMPS THIS YEAR, CAUSE I'VE GOT SOME PRESENTS FOR _YOU_!" I said, ignoring my mother and pointing randomly into the center of the small semi-circle my family had made around the fireplace. I pointed straight at a still horror-stricken Bella who was clinging onto Edward's back for dear life in piggy-back style, her arms making a choke-hold around his neck.

"ALICE!" I yelled up the chimney. "I mean, CHIEF ELF! PASS DOWN THE SACK OF GOODIES!"

"You mean the trash bag?" Alice replied in her normal, non-elfish voice. "_THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT THE ALMIGHTY SANTA CLAUS!"_ I thought, my 'Santa voice' now majoring indefinitely in my mind. "_I WILL HAVE TO HAVE A WORD WITH MY CHIEF ELF AFTER I HAVE FINNISHED MY JOURNEY OF GOODNESS."_

"Yes, the trash bag!" I hissed up into the darkness. The next thing I knew the black back was being hurled down the chimney. I caught it skillfully "_Thank you, thank you very much,"_ (in a not-so-lame Michel Jackson impersonation) and opened it out in front of me, tipping the newspaper wrapped gifts onto the floor.

"Emmett!" Rosalie hissed. She sounded really pissed off.

"I AM NOT THIS wonderfully-loved-and-adored-with-a-brilliant-sense-of-humor-who-really-is-the-ruler-of-all-mankind-and-vampirekind EMMETT YOU SPEAK OF!!! I AM SANTA CLAUS!!!" I shouted out. But, suddenly Rose was in front of me. She twanged my false beard (which was admittedly cotton wool on a piece of elastic).

"Since when did _Santa_ get a false beard?" she jeered.

"Since Santa got hair growth problems," I said on the defense now.

"Right," she said and went to sit on one of the armchairs surrounding the fireplace, ready to watch my wonderful plan unfold.

Edward had placed Bella down beside the pile of presents, and she was cautiously opening one which I had labeled specifically for her.

"Emmett," she began slowly, "what _is_ this?" She held out the banana I had wrapped.

"It is a banana, my sweet Bella. What else?"

"Emmett-"

"SANTA!!" I interrupted.

"Okay, _Santa_, why did you get me a _banana_ for Christmas?"

"Well I know you eat, and all. So I thought I'd get you a banana."

"Em-- _Santa_, it's _moldy_."

"Well it wasn't when I wrapped it!" I defended myself.

"And when did you wrap it, _Santa_?" she asked, hand on hip.

"Six... weeks... ago...?"

She immediately threw it away from her and wiped her hand on the nearest couch to her, wiping away all the banana-ry goodness, shuddering. I was quite offended personally.

"WELL I THINK I HAVE STAYED LONG ENOUGH MY FAVORITE FORKS' VAMPIRES!"

"You're the only Forks' vampires, right?" I heard Bella mumble to Edward, his face widening into a crooked grin from hearing her words and he chuckled softly with a nod. I shot her a look before turning back to the fireplace and bracing myself for the climb back to the roof.

"Alice, throw me the rope," I whispered up the chimney so the others wouldn't be able to hear.

Something hit the floor just beside my feet. The rope. "Not _all_ the rope, Alice!!!" I whisper-shrieked up the tunnel.

"Oops." Sarcasm dripped off her tone. I resisted the urge to growl.

"Well, it appears that my reindeer have decided to park out front instead of the roof, so I shall be leaving through here." I said to the rest of my family, my plan ruined by a certain little pixie. I started running for the door before anyone could attack me, namely Esme, for destroying a certain roof of hers. I thought it was the safest cause for action given the death glares they were all sending me.

As I reached to opened the door I turned my head to face them. "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!" I yelled after me as I continued my sprint.

As I made a run for the river and the woods, trying to distance myself as much as possible from my family, I heard a wail from within.

"MY ROOF!!!" Esme howled, but her weeping escaped my hearing as I exited the boundaries of the town.

_"Until next Christmas..."_

* * *

**You know, you never realize how many mistakes you make until you send it to a beta. I know I wrote this ages ago before I was as much of a perfectionist with my writing as I am now, but I had no idea it would be that bad. *sniffs***

**Anyways, if you haven't read this before, just let yourselves believe that it was always this grammatically correct and the sentence above was just an illusion.**

***~*~*~*~*~**

**^^^ That's the hypnosis, by the way.  
**


End file.
